I often enjoy spending Saturday mornings trapped in an unknown classroom of some unknown school for hours upon end, staring into nowhere while waiting for my standardized testing experience (read: torture) to begin. I have chewed my pencil’s eraser end in the shape of the proctor’s head so that I can gnaw on it whenever his voice (or his words) gets boring or repetitive.
He read from the 500-page “Proctor Instruction Manual” “Today, you will be t
aking a test administered by…” gnaw slowly…it’s gotta last… “…in an effort to continuously improve the testing experience, today’s test has a different format than previously known” What?!#$%?!! No! The test was hard enough already! After the proctor finished reading the instructions, (I chewed down to the chin of the eraser head model) I received an answer sheet that was in the shape of…a circle? I thought this was a mistake, but the proctor reassured us “The testing administration hopes to improve scores with these new sheets, since they are easier to store and transport. In my opinion, circles represent wholeness and completeness Yeah. It’s also the shape of a ZERO!!! The name, address, etc. blanks spiral inwards, which eliminated jumping from box to box.
aking a test administered by…” gnaw slowly…it’s gotta last… “…in an effort to continuously improve the testing experience, today’s test has a different format than previously known” What?!#$%?!! No! The test was hard enough already! After the proctor finished reading the instructions, (I chewed down to the chin of the eraser head model) I received an answer sheet that was in the shape of…a circle? I thought this was a mistake, but the proctor reassured us “The testing administration hopes to improve scores with these new sheets, since they are easier to store and transport. In my opinion, circles represent wholeness and completeness Yeah. It’s also the shape of a ZERO!!! The name, address, etc. blanks spiral inwards, which eliminated jumping from box to box. What surprised me next, was when the proctor handed out stickers!!! “These stickers are for your name, address, and other information, so use them carefully. I’ve been told there’s 15 of each letter, number, or symbol that you could possibly use, so I don’t think you’ll run out” This test is actually a whole lot cooler! I thought as I pasted the stickers on the sheet. Afterwards, the proctor plunked the question booklet on our desks. When he instructed us, I opened the book to the first question. It was a SUDOKU PUZZLE!!! I solved the five missing blanks, and filled in the bubbles on the answer sheet. Whoa! Each question had one circle next to the question number, and the instructions said to modify circle with one of the five designs:
a=☺, b=®, c=Ø, d=Ө, and e=Θ. The rest of the test contained questions like “What gender are you?” “1+1 ISN’T equal to:” “How many teeth should you have?” “Should you drink mercury?” “Is it safe to microwave aluminum?” and my favorite: “How are you feeling today?”
After I finished my test, the proctor called time. Then I heard my cell phone ring. I opened the phone, but it still kept on ringing. I could not get the phone to stop ringing…“YJ!...YJ!!...YJ!!!!!!” Huh? I awoke. “Breakfast is ready. We can’t be late to the testing center!” said my mom a bit too cheerfully. DARN! I’m toast. If I don’t grid my answers correctly today, it is NOT my fault.
Originally Published in Tower Times, Whitefish Bay High School
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